I have been absent from blogging way too long. I have composed this post way too many times. I want to be real, I want to be honest. The problem is sometimes honesty and realness are just too hard, just to raw. Exposing a wound, our broken hearts, that just does not heal it is uncomfortable, for both us and the people who see our pain. In effort, not to lie, or be fake, I just took a break, a long break. During that break I sat and nursed my wound, my broken heart. Over a year ago we were given some news that struck our core, a storm shattering my ideal life. In that year I battled the storm, not alone, Keith, a few of our kids, some of our family, a few select, knew of this attack they were battling with us, and still for us. We chose them because we wanted them to pray, to not give false hope, with this news we know there are truths, we did not want someone who was not ready to accept that things might not go as we want. In the beginning we chose a very tight circle to share this, we told 3 people, I know our family shared it more than we did, more than we wanted. Exposing our pain to the outside, put fear in my heart and a lump in my throat. (it still does)
Last November we were given Spiritual news that rocked our core. Satan came into our house to attack the thing we cherish most. We were stunned almost to the point of falling backwards, like a comedic reaction, only this real life was not a comedy. A horrible sickening drama to be sure. The news was Spiritual, not physical, but the response was physical. I was sick, Keith was sick, my blood ran cold, my head ached, I felt like I had the flu. I did, and honestly still cry at the mere mention of the news. We sat with our news, in our own pain and prayed, cried out to God, prayed, and moaned because we did not even know the words to say. Our friends cried and prayed, they offered comfort, not false hope, in God’s truth. Scripture is a healing balm when you are hurting.
We do know that God is sovereign, he proves it over and over in scripture, He shows himself faithful to His children, on a daily, minute by minute basis. God the ruler, creator of the entire universe is SOVEREIGN over all. Even satan and his invasion in our home, most of all God is sovereign over this invasion on our home. We know this truth. We cling to this truth, and I am now realizing that we are resting in this truth. A comforting blanket of truth. Sometimes the blanket of truth seems to smother when I want a resolve, too hot when I want answers, when I want to see the outcome I feel tangled in this blanket of comfort, but other times it is just the peaceful comfort I need.
We know our news was not a surprise to God, it was a surprise to us. A blindsided bit of information to our lives. We know that God who put the stars into place, and before our first breath knew us, knew this information, and GOD has a plan, we know that God was not surprised. Which is a comfort, sometimes, yes sometimes I cry out to God, I needed a warning, I could have prevented this. I could not, God knew, He knows that I could not have handled that truth before it was time.
But I realized something last week I started thinking of the storm we are going through and the peace I am experiencing. I realized that in the middle of this storm I have found peace, peace for the moment. I have become more relaxed in this peace. In the knowledge of God’s sovereignty, I noticed that my blood does not continually run cold, that the news does not consume my every moment, I can go to sleep, it does not keep me awake, when I first wake in the morning the news does not make my stomach roll, sending me running to the bathroom. I have noticed that I cry out to God, sometimes not even crying when I call out to Him. When I first heard the news I prayed continually, every breath was a prayer. I have noticed that this heart break hurts even more now that it did when I first heard the news. This attack hurts more than I knew my heart could hurt, but I am finding this new normal, I am learning to rest in the comfort and peace God is giving me in the storm. So while the storm in happening about my family, while satan is attacking the thing I cherish most, I have found Peace in God. This is not to say it is always peaceful in the storm, the waves of anguish and fear beat into my spirit, when I am again surprised by another attack, it hurts, it is scary, it is the unknown, and it is hard. Harder than anything we have even experienced before. Satan knows what we cherish, he has chosen to attack us in our core, but that comfort and peace from God is never far, and if we wait, if we hold tight to God and His truths in scripture, we will again find peace in our storm. I realize that this storm could possibly last my whole life, it could go on for years, or if it pleases God then it could end this year. But during this attack on what we cherish most, we have Peace in God.
2016 holds Peace in the storm, the new normal for our family. As we flip over the calendar, I know that the peace that passes understanding is waiting for me. Even though I do not look forward to the storm, I know that in the storm I can find Peace.
go hug your kids, they need your love