Today He Leaves, and My Heart Hurts

Today is the big day.
Departure day.
The day I have dreaded more than any other parenting day I have ever experienced.  Today is the day my first-born leaves to be a forever adult.  Oh sure he is an adult.  He has been a practicing adult for a long time now, he finished his education, and he found a part-time job, actually 2 jobs while he finished his degree.  He looked for jobs in his dream city, set up interviews, and traveled up to that dream city.  He was hired.  He looked for an apartment, he filled out applications, and he secured the apartment.  He has been an acting adult for months/years now.

But today…  it is official.  He is leaving our family for his career, for his own life.  He is moving away and spreading his wings, or some such stupid crappy lines.  What in the world, he is not a bird.  He is my son.  I did not parent a bird, who has animal instincts I parented a human, he thinks, he feels, he reasons and he loves. He is passionate, and brave, he is smart and so very funny.  And today he is leaving our little lives to seek his own fortune, his own life, his own legacy.

We made a lot of mistakes with him.  He was our first child.  Our experiment, things like potty training and sleep training were easy.  Heart training not so much.  Getting him to settle down and be serious, teaching him to think of others first, showing him how to plan and be self driven, not always easy, but so very worth it.  We failed often but we loved more than we failed.  He taught us the things that are  important which has made us better parents to the other children.  He showed us first hand what toddler parenting, elementary parenting, middle school parenting, high school and college parenting looks like.  Now he has to train us in adult parenting.  Because I don’t know how to do that.

He makes me laugh, until I cannot breathe and I have tears running down my face.

He makes me angry until I cannot breathe and I have tears running down my face.

He makes me proud until I cannot breathe and I have tears running down my face.

He makes me sad until I cannot breathe and I have tears running down my face.

He makes me love until I cannot breathe and I have tears running down my face.

My dearest child,
I love you so much, I am so proud of the man you are, and the man you are becoming.  I want you to remember the fun we have had, the adventures we have gone on and the love we have for you.  I want you to know Jesus like we know him, I want you to succeed in life and learn from your mistakes.  I want you to form relationships with people who will stretch you, people who will make you a more compassionate and a gentler, more comfortable you.  I want you to go out and seek adventure, I want you to try new foods, explore new places, and learn new things.  I want you to sit quiet and watch people, I want you to find a way to serve in your community.  I am so proud of you, I loved watching you perform, and do the things you loved to do.  I see the relationship of big brother you have shown to your younger brothers and sisters.  I see the bond and I want you to keep it alive.  I have made mistakes parenting you, and I want you to know that I am sorry, and so thankful that we both grew as a result of those mistakes.  I want you to go out in that big dream you are experiencing and I want you to succeed.  I want people to see how smart you are, I want people to learn from you, I want you to learn from them.  I want you to experience all life has to offer, and I want you to remember that we are always here for you, we will always love you, so much more than you will ever know.  I want you to love, and be loved, I want you to succeed, and I want you to remember that we will always welcome you home.  I love you so very much my heart hurts, I am so thankful to be your mom, and so proud of you.  I want you to remember who you belong to.
I love you,
mom

So Please do me a favor, go tell someone you love them, call someone you love, tell them you love them, go hug your kids, read one more book, listen to one more joke, snuggle for one more minute.  Because one day you will watch them drive off with all their belongings and you will realize just how very fast time moves on.
go hug your kids, they need your love
jen

 

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